Saturday, July 31, 2010

Already August...

  • Its already August... Summer where did you go? Ooh Yeah!! You were NEVER HERE!! At least not in Homer.
Its been raining here allot, and I haven't been too fond of it. I know that Anchorage has seen a little more sun then us- but oh well!

Ruben is now TWO! I cannot believe we have a 2 year old... where did the time go? I look back on the last two years, and wow! Sandor and I have done some moving, and job changing, and we had another baby! We had Rubens birthday down here in Homer. We had over 30 people there to help us celebrate!! We had good food, and fun! It was a rock-n-roll theme, and my girlfriend Jen made Ruben this AWESOME guitar cake!! It not only looked good, it was SO YUMMY!!

Asher is 6 months and rolling around everywhere and jibber-jabbering. He still has those big, BLUE eyes that just melt ya:) He is such a character. Much more loud, and direct then Ruben was at his age. I think Asher might be my spunky boy!!
Ruben and Asher are getting interested in each other more and more. Its fun to watch Ruben try to play with Asher. Asher can just laugh, and laugh at his big brother! I'm not sure if that will be a good thing when Ruben is trying to show-off and be bigger and better!! That laugh might encourage dangerous actions later in life:)

Sandor is still plugging away for Scotts Services! He is still trying to come down as much as possible, and its worked out. He is still welcome at my families house- so he must be doing some good, haha!

I am working away!! I think being a Momma AND having a somewhat exhausting job is hard work... I can tell I get a workout every day because this baby weight is dropping fast!! That's a plus:)

I was just in Anchorage for a week to be with my best friend Kristin... definitely not a trip I was looking forward to, but I was there in a heartbeat to comfort my friend. She had lost her little brother, he was 18, just like Dustin. So going through all that brought back many emotions and memories I usually try to not dwell on. With the circumstances and the fact that it hit close to home was difficult to deal with. I knew Keith, and had known him for YEARS, so it was hard with that alone. Going through all the phases with Kristin reminded me of everything that my family went through when we lost Shobi and Dustin.
Its been 4 years this December. Really! Has it already been 4 years?? My heart broke just at the thought of Kristin and her family having to experience all the pain that comes with losing flesh and blood. Something I would never wish on anyone, and yet it happens to my best friend?! I was angry at first, I won't lie. I was broke for her.
And to add to all that was going on, my family was in Idaho. That was hard!! The ones that I can confide in, because they understand what I'm feeling, was not there!
I really wanted for that one last time to see Dustin smile, and give him a hug. Although I know I'd be hugging sticks, haha, I would still want to. To hear that laugh!! Deep in me, I still have an unspeakable pain.
I miss Shobi SO much. To smell her, and hold her again... She has a vivid place in my thoughts and heart.

Walking through the doors at the church the day of the memorial was gut-wrenching. I really didn't want to be there, but I was there for Kristin and the family. I actually really have wanted to stay away from things like this since Shobi and Dustin's funeral. I haven't even been back to their grave site since we buried them. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. Watching the casket go down made my knees buckle, so going back might not be the best thing yet.

I know that Keith lived a life for Christ!! I know that I will see him, along with Dustin and Shobi again!! I praise God that Kristin has the same hope in Christ, that has allowed me to survive losing my daughter and brother. Trust me, my heart still hurts, and what I wouldn't do or give to have them both here- but Christ has healed, and continues to heal.

The process will never be over for me. I will grieve, and I will miss them. But its not destroying me. Its not breaking me down, to where I can't function. I can focus on the promise that this is not my home, and Keith, Dustin and Shobi are waiting for me. Jesus Christ is holding my heart, and comforts my soul. Even when I feel as if a wound was ripped open... But that's the amazing love of Christ. To comfort and carry the heavy burden. The burden of sin. That's how I know that I will be in Heaven. Because of what Christ did on the cross. The Gospel is the ONLY hope people can have. Not that Jesus will take the pain away, because the pain is still there and its sometimes unbearable. Not that Jesus will make it all better, because its not, Keith, Shobi, and Dustin haven't come back. Its only because Jesus took my burden of SIN!! He conquered death and I have an intimate relationship with HIM!!

That's my hope, that's my healing grace!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

I've been a BAD BLOGGER!!

I apologize for the horrible blogger I have been these last couple of months!!

Well... Ruben, Asher, and I are settled in our 'new' home in Homer. Its been awesome so far, and God is taking care of my heart:) I have started working, and I am enjoying it completely!! I get to see the boys when they need me, and have the flexibility with still being Momma.

Sandor is working hard in Anchorage. He is living outside my parents house, and missing his family EVERY SECOND until he can come down here!! Its been a great weekend actually. He came down last night, and gets to stay until tomorrow. We went on a date, and it was fantastic just being able to be with him. Ruben is LOVING every minute with Daddy being here. He cries when he just THINKS Sandor is leaving the room, so I think I will have to dry some serious tears tomorrow night :'(

Asher-Man is growing like crazy. As you can see in the pictures, I have a chunky-monkey:) He is ALWAYS laughing and smiling. And just this last week, the boy LOVES to talk!! Ruben and Asher are growing closer to each other. Just tonight, Asher was laying on his tummy, and Ruben laid down on his tummy right next to him. It was SO sweet:) I just love my boys!!

Sandor's family is soaking up EVERY minute they have with having the boys being down here. It is awesome that the boys can get to know the grandparents, Uncle Russ and Auntie Jan down here:) Ruben is always following Nagypapa around the house, and hotel. Helping him with odd-n-end projects, and enjoying the outside!
Ruben is learning SO much!! He is using actual words more and more, and holding actual conversations. I cannot believe that Ruben is going to be 2 in a month!! Kinda makes me sad that he is growing up... but MAN!! I am falling more, and more in love with this little boy:)

Well I should go!! Sandor is wanting to spend some time with the LOVE of his LIFE:) :)